


Inevitability

by DI_Spector



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: AU, Inquisitor Anders (Dragon Age), M/M, Missing Scene, Non-Justice Anders (Dragon Age), too long & too slow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26950225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DI_Spector/pseuds/DI_Spector
Summary: When Anders sees a green light in the palm of his hand, he has time to say only "fucking hurlock!" — and passes out again. Why Cullen pretends not to recognize him — only the Maker knows. An AU, where Anders (like he was in Awakening) becomes the Inquisitor. Background: Bull/Dorian, m!Hawke/Fenris, Cassandra/Varric.
Relationships: Anders & Cullen Rutherford, Anders/Cullen Rutherford
Kudos: 18





	Inevitability

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Неизбежность](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/699088) by DI_Spector.. 



*

When Anders sees a green light in the palm of his hand, he has time to say only "fucking hurlock!" and passes out again.

*

Varric winks at Anders and smiles slightly. But doesn't say anything.

*

Anders only grins at Cassandra's questions: “You can test me for the presence of an abomination, Seeker. So no, I'm not _that mage_.”

I'm not that mage _anymore,_ Anders thinks. At this moment, he is very glad that after Kirkwall, his and Justice’s paths diverged.

*

Why Cullen pretends to not recognize him — only the Maker knows. Anders sees the ex-Templar only after the decision to call the Inquisition has been made.

*

Corypheus, destroying Haven, does not recognize him either. And Anders knows that Corepheus really doesn't. Perhaps the only one out of them all.

A farewell gift from Justice was freedom from the Grey Warden’s fate, and Anders is immensely grateful. Thank the Maker, now Anders doesn't hear the maddening singing of taint. 

*

Cullen looks at Anders: he is dressed in a strange grey costume.

“You have to take care of yourself better,” says Anders to him. “I tell you as a healer.”

Cullen squints in the bright sun. Here, in the mountains, it glares more often than it does in their native Ferelden or the Free Marches.

“You've changed a lot,” Cullen notes. For a long time he pretended he hadn't really known the Inquisitor before. But now, the yard by the huge stone staircase is empty, and he can speak honestly. This difference really frightens him.

“Since the moment you blew me off at the Circle Tower on the Calenhad?” There is no resentment in Anders's voice — really, more than ten years have passed. “Or since Kirkwall?”

Cullen doesn't know what to say. He awkwardly tears his gaze away. “Since either.”

“I have been the same,” Anders disagrees, “you just didn't know me so closely. And note: it was never my fault.” He laughs softly, and Cullen thinks he's right. Especially with his joke.

*

“How is Fenris?” asks Anders and smirks. “No matter his hate for mages, I miss bickering with him.”

Here, on the battlements, in the company of Hawke and Varric, Anders feels easy and calm.

*

The new war table is big. Everything in Skyhold is bigger than in Haven. Cullen Rutherford stands in front of Anders and obediently takes over one of the operations. It is still so unusual.

*

Dorian gets up from the chess table and leaves with a bow. Anders thinks to leave after him, but Cullen, to his surprise, offers a game.

Their first conversation that’s not about the Inquisition is filled with mutual curiosity. 

*

They fall into the Fade. With Cassandra, who now knows everything.

Really everything. On the way from Adamant to Skyhold, in one of the camps, Anders answers all her questions. He does not want to drag this weight to the fortress. They have enough problems without it.

Something tells him that Cassandra won't forgive him so easily. He's not Varric, after all.

*

When Andres returns, he really doesn’t expect to see the horror on Cullen's face. Cullen looks like he hasn't slept for days. 

Anders had already seen Cullen like that. More than ten years ago, when Anders was returned to the Circle once again. 

Because of his escape that time, Anders had missed the capture of the tower by blood mages. And Cullen got the heat for it.

Before — their relationship had been quite warm. 

After — Cullen merely left.

Anders doesn't allow himself to think that the fear of his military advisor can be caused by something more than just the worry about the Inquisition’s future.

*

“I was wrong,” Cullen says suddenly, resting his hands on his desk.

Anders has come to him to report on the search for Samson, that's all. He isn’t ready for a discussion about anything else, but he asks carefully: “About what exactly?” He decides to speak without his usual sarcasm.

“Sometimes, I think, about everything,” Cullen looks away. “At least, about everything in Kirkwall.”

Anders doesn’t answer, only touches his shoulder in support. He didn’t expect that Cullen, a survivor of imprisonment at Calenhad, could see in mages anything but harm.

Well, Cullen is full of surprises.

“Nobody was right in Kirkwall,” says Anders quietly and doesn’t take his hand away. 

*

Anders's decision about Cole doesn’t surprise Cullen, but he has questions about Blackwall. 

“Why?” he asks when he finds Anders on the bridge behind the Skyhold gate. 

The Inquisitor seems thin, despite his broad shoulders, and a bit fragile. He is looking beyond the mountain range. 

The Anders that Cullen remembers, was almost always strictly principled. 

This one only shrugs, wrapped in a non-standard cloak.

“Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Everyone?” asks Cullen.

Anders looks at him for a few long seconds, then confirms: “Everyone.”

Maybe Anders does not believe that Cullen is capable of provocation, and that’s why he answers only the question he was asked.

But Cullen hears more than he was prepared for.

*

To Anders, the Winter Palace seems stuffy and with an overabundance of... just an overabundance. He is bloody tired enough of saving Orlais this evening, but the evening doesn’t seem to have the end. Everyone is looking for his attention, and Anders, using the stealth that he learned in the Сircles and the mage underground, sneaks onto the balcony. The fresh, cool air pleasantly blows his overgrown hair. He notices more and more silver threads these days. He usually pulls his hair in a ponytail, as he did in the Vigil's Keep, but the run through Palace and the adjacent park has tousled it. He pulls a stray strand away from his face and leans over the banister, finally surrounded by silence, even if isn’t complete. Music floats from behind, but Anders finds the strength to not listen to it.

He closes his eyes and thinks about the last camp they set up on the Emerald Graves. 

Until then, Anders joked in reply to all questions about his endurance. All these expeditions, which he is already used to, remind him of escapes from the Circles. But without the fear of being caught by the Templars.

“May I invade your privacy?” Cullen's voice behind him makes him shiver.

Anders opens his eyes and looks at Cullen in the pretentious red uniform instead of his usual bulky armor. Anders would like to note sarcastically that the Templars usually don't need a permission, but stops and just nods, taking a step aside and making room.

“You don't have to ask.” Only after Anders says this aloud, he realizes how ambiguous it sounds. If he had been a little less tired, he probably would have rushed to clarify, but right now he doesn't have the strength to even think about it. He allows everything to happen on its own. In any case, a hastily vanishing Cullen would not be a new experience for him. 

But Cullen does not retreat. On the contrary, he comes closer and rests his back against the banisters, distractedly watching the entrance to the balcony.

Anders foolishly thinks that, with Cullen, he feels safe and calm. And immediately he curses himself: if he allows himself such thoughts, it means he is too tired.

*

Cullen isn’t an idiot, but he thinks that he is responsible for all that happens to his life.

He is in the Herald's Rest alone and he’s been methodically siping some suspicious alcohol for two hours already. 

He would like to get drunk, but he isn’t sure it’s a good idea after quitting lyrium. 

Actually, he isn’t sure about anything.

Anders is the one on his mind. Again. Over and over. Still. Anders has just come back from another expedition, and Cullen does not find the strength to visit him. Anders is worse than lyrium during the first day of withdrawal. Cullen is so scared of it that he even admits it to himself, even though he isn’t ready to think more thoroughly about his feelings. He would prefer to drown his emotions, but it seems that alcohol is useless here.

“Thinking too much,” the Bull's heavy hand is on his shoulder. 

Cullen looks up at him with a silent question. The Bull only smirks. “Even if I'm not a Qunari anymore,” he winces as he says it, “I was a very good Ben-Hassrath agent and I can read people.”

“I don't know what to do,” says Cullen and he is lost.

“Do _something_ ,” the Bull says easily. “He looks at you the way you look at him.”

Cullen hides his face in his hands, trying to focus on his own thoughts. When he opens his eyes again, the Bull isn’t by his side anymore: Cullen sees him leaving the tavern with Dorian.

It’s something Cullen would prefer not to be unaware of. But this unexpected sight leads him to “what if” thoughts.

Thoughts too weird to be drowned in just one mug.

*

Morrigan has drunk from the Well of Sorrows. Cullen finds out about it from Leliana: her people always bring news faster than the Inquisitor is able to get back to Skyhold.

“You have already been informed,” Cullen is watching Anders: he smiles but doesn’t look at his guest. He sits on the floor, with his back to the window, and tries to clean the stain of someone's blood from the edge of his mantle. The laundress was powerless, it seems, so now Anders looks to be bent on methodically going through spells of different schools, looking for a suitable combination. 

“I was sure you would be more curious,” Cullen notes and sits on the edge of the inquisitorial bed — there is nothing else to sit on.

When the stain is removed, Anders gets up from the floor. The sun shines from behind him, illuminating his grown hair. At this moment, Cullen sees before him not the Inquisitor, not the leader of the mage underground, not an abomination with explosives. 

No, he sees a young mage who has just passed the Harrowing and who is quite pleased with himself.

“You know,” Anders laughs, “the Anchor is quite enough. Before, Justice and the taint were more than enough. So I like to be merely a man. At least sometimes. I'm glad you’ve come in,” he says, taking off his mantle, flipping it overhand and staying in a light outfit. He goes out onto the balcony. “Great views up here. Not as good as from your tower, but also very impressive.”

*

Anders wants to joke that Cullen looks great on his bed, but he stays quiet. For the first time in a long while, they have a kind of normal relationship, and Anders isn’t in a hurry to spoil it.

*

Cullen has waited until the last minute. He knows that the next expedition of the Inquisitor is going to depart tomorrow morning, and he has been restless all day.

He does not know what to say.

In fact, he is not ready to say anything.

Cullen is terrified, but he doesn't understand of what: of the coming talk or of the thought that he might not muster the strength for it. 

Finally, he goes to the Inquisitor’s chambers — and finds them empty. He swears and decides to go through the places where Anders likes to sit alone. To Cullen's own surprise, he knows many of them. So many that he finally stops lying to himself that he does not care where their future dialogue would lead.

He finds Anders — predictably — on the battlements, from which Ferelden can be seen. Cullen knows that Ferelden is not Anders's homeland but for some reason he loves it more than anyone else does. However, remembering Orlais and the Free Marches (Kirkwall in particular), Cullen is not surprised.

“Oh, you’ve found me,” Anders seems to be in a good mood, and therefore doesn’t stay from joking. “Just like in the good old days.”

Any other time, Cullen would have been embarrassed, but he has been beating himself up for prolonged silences for too long, and so he joins in the joke. “But this time I don't want to put you in a cell,” he smiles almost imperceptibly.

“So, what do you want?”

Cullen doesn't know how to answer without sounding banal and too... just too much. 

He looks for a long time into Anders's amber eyes, which have become silver on the edge because of the taint in his blood and never recovered the color after it disappeared. Cullen curses himself: he put labels on Anders so often that he has never seen his true identity.

He still has doubts, so instead of words, Cullen takes off a black ribbon from Anders' ponytail, and his hair is immediately caught by the wind. Now Anders looks younger, and his gasp does not escape Cullen’s attention.

Cullen smiles — he realizes that he wasn't the only one who had doubts all this time.

“I owe you something,” he doesn’t says it too loudly, but in their surrounding silence it seems otherwise.

Anders half-smiles. “Let me guess. A reward for the successful Harrowing?”

It was so long ago, a few lives ago, but Cullen remembers that joking promise. Anders was nervous and walked along the corridors of the tower, visibly getting more and more worried with each step. Cullen pulled him into a dark corner and, ignoring his own words and principles, kissed Anders on the temple. To the silent but obvious question in the mage's eyes, he answered briefly “after the Harrowing” and returned to his post. It was quite risky, but at least Anders really stopped being nervous.

Cullen looks at Anders and understands: Anders remembers exactly the same moment. 

“If you want.”

“Maker, Cullen, you are such a stickler to the rules sometimes,” Anders laughs and kisses him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the help to WahlBuilder!


End file.
